Drive it like your Dad Jokes

I love my step ladder. But then, I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain spealing. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!!

Some guy just stole my Prozac. Well, hope he's happy with himself.

I was gonna talk about the world's least important animal. But it's irrelephant.

My ex cheated on me with this deaf jerk. I should have noticed the signs.

I farted on my wallet. Now, I have gas money!

I used to chew on electrical cords, until my parents grounded me. Now, I conduct myself properly.

Khaki is great. It's the only color that unlocks your vehicle.

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I really want a Nobel Peace prize. Heck, I'd kill for one!

The police are looking for a man with one eye. It'd probably go faster if they used both.

I love when the Earth rotates. It just makes my day.

Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? A:It got stuck in a crack.

Surveys show that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Unfortunately, the yard stick factory won't be making them any longer.