Dad Jokes of Destiny
Two guys robbed a liquor store. The first said "Is this whiskey?" His partner said, "Yeah, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank." I gave Elsa a baloon. But she let it go. I just love Melons! But for legal reasons, we cantelope. My ex said I was being immature. So I made her get out of my pillow fort. A buffalo's son was leaving the herd. So he said, "Bye, son." They finally caught and arrested the notorious energizer buny. Apparently, thery'e hoping to charge him with battery. My ex left me because of my gambling problem. But it's cool. I'll win her back. I was arrested for beating a man with guitars. The judge asked, "First offender?" I said, "No, first, a Gibson, then a Fender." Pirates have long been called pirates, simply because they Arrrr. Q: What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes? A: 8 Pirates. The doctor told Manuel, "you have cancer, but also alzheimer's. He replied, "At least I don't have cancer!" My therapist says I'm obssesed with revenge. But I'll show him! If Eloise can't clean up her soap addiction, she'll probably just get washed out.
A Funny Thing Happened..
People have been busy this week. I don't know what you've been going through, but it's probably a lot. Which is why I've been telling jokes every Friday. And while I hope to do more of that soon, I thought we could use something different. So today, I'm sharing funny stories from missionaries. I've researchesd these, whch means you don't have to. I won't share any names that aren't already made public. And I'm not passing the plate for collection, either. So, if you're ready to go, let's get into it! First off: It was our first weekend trip on deputation. We loaded the kids, the luggage, and the slide projector/table items into the mini-van. Not too far down the road, child #4 took ill and vomited everywhere. I had to clean her, her coat, and her car seat. We kept going. We had two appointments that weekend. When we got to Virginia, we stopped at the motel that the Pastor told us about. We got settled into the adjoining rooms. Soon more children were ill. The room was a horrible mess. I asked dh to go and get some rags from the front desk so I could clean up the mess. They sent him back with one hand towel. Oh my! The next morning, we were to be out of the motel by 11. That meant that I couldn't stay behind with the kids. I had to take them to the church. By then stomachs had settled, so I sat in the back row with them. I gave them each a cup, just in case they had to throw up as we ran to the bathroom. No one threw up. After church my kids were still holding their little cups. I don't know why, but some people started dropping money in my kids cups. One of my daughters even got a bracelet in hers. I was so embarassed! Later I laughed with the Pastor and his wife about my little missionary kids and their "beggar cups". What a way to start deputation! Next, We had just been in Japan a few weeks when it happened. For our first year we were house-sitting for a missionary friend on furlough, and found our next door neighbors to be very nice—though without any English skills at all. And we had no Japanese skills at all. Talk about being thrown in, sink or swim! So anyway, our baby boy somehow got a piece of ice stuck in his throat, and we panicked. We ran next door to the nice lady and began shouting, “Ice, ice,” while we pointed down the throat of our baby. I guess we figured she would know what to do—call the ambulance, do some kind of Asian CPR, we didn’t know. But the poor lady just stood there staring in befuddlement! Finally the little ice cube melted enough to go down, as they will do. We thanked the poor lady profusely—none of which communicated, of course. It was much later when we found out what was wrong. In Japanese, the loan word “ice” (pronounced aisu) does not mean frozen water but frozen milk, as in “ice cream.” (The Japanese love to shorten foreign words and make them their own.) So from the Japanese neighbor’s viewpoint, the crazy foreigners had run over to her house with their baby, screaming for ice cream to be shoved down his throat! Tsk, tsk. You never can tell with these foreigners. And just one more.. Once I was headed way out in the country in Florida somewhere, and just couldn't find the country road I needed--could have been a dirt road, I don't remember. I prayed earnestly and then called the church and finally figured out the way. When I got to the church they were singing songs from their old shaped note hymn book as they waited for me. As I walked in, they were singing an old song I've never heard before or since: "I Can't Find the Way Alone! I hope that blessed you. If so, please consider buying me a cup of coffee, to keep me going. https://buy.stripe.com/dRm5kF0KC0eL7xuf0seEo08 And for a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Dad Joke Detour
I finally went back to the Gym. Except, it said, “call me James.” They hate mornings in the Mediterranean. But then, Dawn is tough on Greece. I was gonna try that haunted B&B in France. But that place gave me the crepes. Avoid false teeth while driving. You could denture car. I once knew a guy struggling to pay his water bill. So I just told him “Get well soon!” Two soldiers were in a tank. One tells the other, “Blb blrrb!” You can’t cross eels and eagles. It’s illegal. I started reading about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. One time, I invented a new word. Plaigerism. Taking the shell off racing snails won’t make them faster. They’ll just be sluggish. Every morning, I talk to my plants. It's not weird. I’ll just say something like, “Hey there, bud!” A while back, I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Still not sure where I got those. Try as they might, some bears just never meet their koalafications. An undertaker once buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Adventures with Sven and Olly
Since just before America was a country, people have been immigrating here. Many from England, but a lot from other European countries. Because Europe has tons of different culures, this led to some misunderstandings, especially of English words. These became Sven and Olly jokes, so people would laugh off confusion. As you might have guessed, I did some research to make you laugh. Some of these get raunchy, but I've curated a few wholesome ones. So, slip into your wooden shoes, and let's get into it! Last year, Olly seemed very distraught. He wasn't eating, he hadn't slept, and his hair was a mess. Seeing his freind in this state, Sven had to ask. "What's the matter, Olly?" He seemed distracted, but finally answered. "It's terrible! I think Lena's gonna leave me. She hasn't said one word to me all week." Sven thought about this for a minute, then said, "Hang on to her, man. Women like that are hard to find." A while ago, Sven and Olly were out fishing. Olly seemed to be struggling, the fish barely noticed him. Suddenly, Sven produced a Genie! "What is your command?" Said the Genie. So Sven replied, "I wish to catch a large trout." Just like that, there was a trout on his line, and then in the boat. So Olly said "Wow! can I try that?" Sven obliged him, and Olly asked for a masive bass. Suddenly, the boat was taking on water, under the weight of an upright guitar. "Sorry!" Sven said. 'But English isn't his first language." One cold winter, Torvald passed away. As their friend, Sven and Olly handled funeral arrangements. Sven handled the church and the food, while Olly arranged the Obituary. The newspaper man told Olly, "That'll be $50 for each additional line. Olly looked so miserable, he offered the first five words free. So, on a post-it, Olly scribbled -Torvald dead. Boat for sale. I hope that blessed you. If so, please consider buying me a cup of coffee, to keep me going. https://buy.stripe.com/dRm5kF0KC0eL7xuf0seEo08 And for a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Drive it like your Dad Jokes
I love my step ladder. But then, I never knew my real ladder. This is your captain spealing. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!! Some guy just stole my Prozac. Well, hope he's happy with himself. I was gonna talk about the world's least important animal. But it's irrelephant. My ex cheated on me with this deaf jerk. I should have noticed the signs. I farted on my wallet. Now, I have gas money! I used to chew on electrical cords, until my parents grounded me. Now, I conduct myself properly. Khaki is great. It's the only color that unlocks your vehicle. I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. I really want a Nobel Peace prize. Heck, I'd kill for one! The police are looking for a man with one eye. It'd probably go faster if they used both. I love when the Earth rotates. It just makes my day. Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? A:It got stuck in a crack. Surveys show that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. Unfortunately, the yard stick factory won't be making them any longer.
Missionary Mishaps
The misson field can be a dangerous place. Jesus talked about how we'd be persecuted for His name. And while today that's very real, more common are the hijinks and hilarity that ensue from cultural cofusion. Not sure what I'm talking about? Well, I've researched some examples, so you don't have to. As usual, I'm leaving the original missionaries anonymous, for their benifit. But if you're ready to answer the call, let's get into it! One day, during our Sunday school lesson, our teacher- a really reserved, quiet man - was teaching a lesson on the keys of the priesthood. Clyde, a fairy new convert,was somewhat exasperated. He shouts out, “What about the keys of life?” Totally taken aback, our teacher goes, “Uh, I’m not totally sure where that’s from. Is there a scripture that talks about that?” Clyde indignantly responds, “No!” to which our teacher, very confused, asks, “Where is it from?”Clyde was totally serious, too! Oh, Clyde. Stevie Wonder’s lyrics aren’t doctrine, close as they may be. I knew this Elder that went to Sweden. He knew no Swedish, but learned just enough to introduce his senior companion at the door, and then his senior would just take over. Mid-winter, a lady answers, and the new Elder does his thing, but when he turns around, his senior companion is gone! He’d slipped on the ice off the front landing, and down the coal chute into the basement! He came up inside behind the lady. Serving in Utah, members love watching everything missionaries do. An older woman in one of our wards called the mission to complain that my suit the previous Sunday had been “too tight” and was causing “impure thoughts.” I guess all those dinners made it a little small on me. What a creepy lady. One time, in Long Beach, near Snoop Dogg’s recording studio, we were filming a music video and my companion and I were riding by on our bikes. My companion’s front tire got stuck in a drainage grate and he flew off and crashed, and then I fell after him. And the entire crew stopped in the middle of a shoot to stare at us. So great. I hope that blessed you. If so, please consider buying me a cup of coffee, to keep me going. https://buy.stripe.com/dRm5kF0KC0eL7xuf0seEo08 And for a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Devoured by Dad Jokes
Q: How do know that Dracula's sick? A: He keeps coffin. They just arrested Daffy duck! Apparently, he's been selling quack. In other news, Texas outlawed round hay bales. Because every cow deserves a good square meal. My ex critcized my flamingo impression. So I put my foot down. The cook at the airport quit. He got tired of plane sandwiches. Sadly, 5 out of every 4 people are bad at math. the smallest biblical person: Either Knee high Maya, or the shoe hight tribe. I made six figures last year. Before earning "worst employee" at the toy factory. Medical science has discovered the leading cause of dry skin. Towels. I want a job hanging mirrors. It's just something I can see myself doing. My ex hated my video game obsession. What a dumb thing to Fallout 4. Someone broke into my house, looking for money. So I helped him look. I spent a day staring at an orchard. I just don't get this apple watch thing.
That's in there??
There's plenty of sad stuff in the Bible. Murder and mayhem and what-not. But did you know that it's also full of jokes? Well, and some silly situations. The thing is, 2,000 years and countless translations have kind of lost the humor of the original. Which is why I've researched a few, so you don't have to. Though, I hope to give references, so you can look these up. And now, coming live from... wherever you are, lets get into it! I'm gonna start right near the beginning. In Exodus 32, we have the golden calf. Which is generally agreed to be a bad idea. But it gets to be just ridiculous when Aaron says, essentially, Don't blame me! It just jumped out! A little later, the entire book of Jonah is pretty funny. First, his conversation is pretty much I told you so! But then, when commanded to Ninevah, he tries to run. Which, if you know God, is laughable. As the cherry on top, he gets swallowed by a fish! And isn't it the only gospel that ends on a question? In Numbers 22, we have another attept at resistance. When Balaam is offered great wealth if he curses God's people, he jumps at the chance. At least, at first. But try as he might, he can't get to the city that hired him. Until, eventually, the Lord speaks. Through, of all things, a donkey! Carrying on, in 1 Samuel 5, The Philistines attacked, and stole the ark of the covenant. Remember, at this point, The Holy Spirit dwelled with the ark. But they just put the fancy golden box they captured in their temple. Except, the next day, their idol was on it's face before the "ark of the Lord!" These are just a few examles. But it just goes to show, joy is a fruit of the Spirit. And God wants to bless His children with it. So I encourage you to take another look at the book of books, and see what you can find to make you smile. I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Sun-Dried Dad Jokes
Q: How do you make a spring roll? A: lay it on it's side and push. As salesman came to the door with a moustache. I said, "I've already got one." I just bought a laughter-powered motorcycle. The Yamahahaha. Q: What's blue, and doesn't weigh much? A: Light Blue. Scientists discover that Red apples are just like green aples. Except, one's green. I bought an Elephant for my dad's room. He said, Thanks!" I said, "Don't mention it." I thought I had an invsible Japanese friend. Apparently, it was my imaginasian. My cow plays guitar! It's a moosician. Q:Whaddya call a guy with Botox?A:Phillip. I left my dog in the rain. Then my neighbor drove through a poodle. I asked the librarian for a bookmark. He said, "My name is Logan." When I was younger, dad rolled me downhill in tires. Those were GoodYears. Drinking didn't solve my probems. But it was worth a shot. Could whoever's making Aacados put a different toy inside?
Dad Joke Dance Party
Ever since I quit drinking, the difference is staggering. Planning with a marjarine for error just makes everything butter. They tried to pin the Lourve heist on me, but it never stuck. I was framed. It's 2026, and you know what that means. New year, nude me. I survived the Texas blizzard of 2019! It was snow big deal. Every year, Louisiana throws a party where they eat octopi. They calalamari-gra. You may have noticed, I come up with all my own material. Which also explains why I dress like this. Have you heard about that awesome new show? Oh well. Worth a shot. I tried to write a joke about Moses at Jericho, but it just fell flat. After all these years, wood work is just plane booring. I gouda tell you about my favorite cheese! Aw, man. I totally bleu that. I'm looking for a girl who enjoys fonts. You know, the right type. All Norwegian ships are required to get a bar code. So they can scandanavian.
Further Adventures
A while back, y'all might recall Adventures with Boudreaux and Thibideaux. If not, go ahead and read that first. I'll wait. Okay now, wasn't that funny? Plus, a little history in the intro to boot. Anyway, I like those boys so much, I researched more jokes, so that you can laugh too. I'll roll out a handfull, but there's bound to be more where these came from. So, hitch up yer britches, say g'day to the missus, and let's get into it! Boudreaux is taking a leisurely walk. He comes to a river and sees Thibideaux on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” He shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” Thibideaux looks up the river, then down the river, up the river again, and then down the river again. He then shouts back, “You ARE on the other side!” Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "Dat was de decision George Washington had to make befo' he crossed de Delaware." Thibideaux had his truck stall out on him. He couldnt find the problem, so he went to Boudreaux, who recmomended a mechanic. "Is dey good?" Thibideaux asked. "ya, sure!" Boudreaux replied. 'They gauruntee fast service, no matter how long it takes!" When he was in school Boudreaux's teacher asked him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Boudreaux says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail." I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Goin' the Long Way
If you're new here, you might not know. I make a lot of jokes. Mainly dad jokes, because, well, they're wholesome. They also tend to be one-liners. Still, I've been hankering to share some longer form gags. Which I prepared a few, so that you can laugh too. There might not be as many today. But if you're cool with that, let's get into it! There used to be farms, all around this part of the country. Not even that long ago. Fairly close by was a sheep pasture. Well, one time, a sheep got a plastic tarp stuck on it's head. When the shepherd took the sheep to the vetrinarian, the vet started laughing. When the shepherd asked why, he said, "I've seen lots of things. But this is my first lamination examination!" One time, Barry checked out a new bar. The Down Time, or some such. A really trendy joint. They had everything, but Barry, he wasn't aware of fads. So he goes and asks the bar tender. "What's that line of people hitting each other?" The bar tender explained that they show up once a week. That's the punch line. My great uncle was in the war. But because of his dyslexia, they wouldn't give him a rifle. They put him in the mess hall. He was happy to serve, and he gave it his all. Which is why he recieved a commendation. Recognized for exemplary service, since he went in, buns glazing. I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Laughable Literature
I know, I usually post some sorta jokes on Friday. And today isn't super different. Today, I'll share a list of famous, hilarious authors that I've researched, so you don't have to. That way, you can sit back and smile any old time. Some you might have heard of, but most, probably not. Also, these haven't sponsored me, they're just amusing. So if you want to know what's funny, come with me, and let's get into it! 1.Douglas Adams You might have seen the Disney movie based off his best known book. But if you haven't read it, Adams work is way more complex and irreverent than could be rated P.G. Fair warning: there is one sex scene, but for the most part, the Hitchicker's Guide (To the Galaxy) trilogy is about an average guy, having out of this world misadventures. And people say things like "I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they pass by."* 2.Terry Pratchett Very British, Prachett was a master of the painfully obvious, a scholar of history, and a lover of fantasy. This made the stuff he wrote oddly hilarious. Best known for his Discworld series, he also wrote Good Omens with Neil Gaiman. And while that one's a bit irreverent, he has loads of other stuff. All full of diaogue such as "Things that try to look like things often look more like things than things."** 3.P. G. Wodehouse A wordsmith of wonderfuly weighty works, Wodehouse is a tad bit old-school. I mean, the guy was born in 1881. His best known books (And there's a few.) Focusing on a gentleman's gentleman, or what we'd call a buttler, serving a low-level aristocrat. Berty's position would land him in trouble, and Jeeves would sort him out. A little dry, his humour was in lines like "He had the look of a man who'd searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lit candle."*** 4. Michael Bond Again, you might have heard of his Paddington Bear. But Bond also wrote of a Guinea Pig, Olga de Polga. He's branded as a children's author, but several of his misadventure stories get complex enough to amuse anybody. Just don't confuse him with an American author, who's got the same name. Although, he still makes us laugh, with lines like, "A wise bear always keeps a marmalade sandwich in his hat, in case of emergencies."+ 5. Garrison Keillor Fond of nostalgia, and depressed (Like all of us.) by the news of the world, Keillor invented Lake Wobegon. A small town, "Where all the men were strong, the women good looking, and all the children are well above average."$ With 20 plus years of radio shows and two movies, it made up most of his career. But he has other stuff out there too, which I'll let you look up. Or maybe it'll make for another article. Who knows? Either way, there you go. *Hitchicker's Guide to the Galaxy **Wyrd Sisters ***Carry on, Jeeves +A Bear Called Paddington $ A Pairie Home Companion I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Love, Joy, Peace
So, those are all fruit of the Spirit. Or, stuff we can expect if we spend time with God. And really, they're all good. But today, I'm gonna focus on Joy. You know we all need some. So I researched it, which means you won't have to. It's all through scripture, but it's also all over creation! And hopefully, this will give you something to smile about. So sit back, relax, and let's get into it! Right off the bat, we've got Free Will.* Which, while it might not be super obvious, wasn't a requirement. I mean, we could have just been dioramas, or music boxes. But God decided to do something way more interesing. He lets us make choices. And yeah, some stuff like weather or The Crucifiction are out of our hands. But most things, like which shoes to buy, we decide. But of course, whether or not you agree, that's your choice. As a convenient segue, another example of Joy is in our Relationships. As far as dating, for that matter, Adam met a few dogs before Eve.** But all kidding aside, God just decided to let us find people who get us, and vise-versa. Which is really the basis for all life, because everybody ever had somebody before them. And how cool is it that He made any of it fun? I mean, sure., it could have all been an automated process. But instead, we get chocolates, sappy music, and everything else. Praise the Lord. Now, this one might come as a shock to some of you, but there's a ot of Joy built into Exercise. Of course, for most of history, that meant actual work.*** Which is still a thing. But whether you're a Logger or a Jogger, there's all kinds of endorphins, like Adrenaline and literal Dopamine that kick in when we get busy. But again, that could just be a grueling necessity. Instead, while they're not all awesome, most jobs other than pool cleaners really aren't that draining! And finally today, I'm gonna talk about Church. Sure, it's a thing believers are supposed to do.**** But so often, He lets us enjoy it so much! There are problems, of course. but we can speak in tongues, if that's your thing. Or wear fancy pants. And every church everywhere has parties with food at some point, and music. Plus, depending on the pews, it's a great place to sleep! Just kidding. But Church, and really, everything that exists can be a vessel for Joy. Hallelujah! I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks! *Joshua 24:15 **Genisis 2:19 ***2nd Thess. 3:0 ****Hebrews 10:25
The Legend of Dad Jokes
For today, I'm trying an expirement. Instead of just running off dad jokes, I'm tying them together into one story. Since I'm not robot, this just feels like a good way to show folks. Hopefully, a funny one. But I'm going with it anyway, because nothing ever came from nothing. So, please, leave honest feedback in my email: josiahkronk2@gmail.com Well, my lovlies,here goes nothing. Let's get into it! Hey there! It's lovely to meet you, reader. I'm writing stuff. These jokes, by the way, will only be dad jokes when it becomes apparent. Sure, everybody thinks the other articles are cool. But honestly, my lunchbox is just a little cooler. On a different note, every zoo just decided to get rid of a lot of animals. It seems that the're irrelephant. I was, apparently, told that by a deaf guy. It just took me a while to see the signs. Anyway, since I was bored at the zoo, I went to the Library. I figured, I'll get some books on Paranoia. But when I asked the Librarian, she whispered, They're right behind you! Well, that was unsettling. So I went towards History instead. The first entry I read was on a Medal of Honor recipient. He showed "Exemplary Valor," but he never fired a shot. He was Dyslexic, and in the mess hall. But at the Battle of the Bulge, he went in, all buns glazing. Then, I read about a soldier who had his tongue shot off. But through it all, he never said a word of complaint. From there, I tried novels. But the spy thriler I read didn't impress me. It featured an agent who blew his cover. By farting in bed. Maybe something in Romance? There was love in the Laundromat, in Tide and Prejudice. Eventually, I left for lunch. When I opened the fridge, my face just lit up. But then, You gotta enjoy the simple things. Like, when the Earth rotates. That just makes my day. Stuff like that is really important. Like, studies show that 6 out of 7 dwarves just aren't happy. Of course, some things just bum you out. For example, the Yardstick Factory said they just can't make them any longer. But back to looking on the bright side, always remember. A good pun is very re-wording. I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
So, What Hapened Was...
I haven't shared these in a while. But people still go on mission trips, and they don't always hapen according to plan. Which means, funny things happen! And I felt really inspired, so I looked up few of these situations and things. Making it to where you won't have to. No need to thank me, this is just what I do. It might sound crazy, but these are all true. Now, if you're all braced for impact, let's get into it! Missionary Douane Luttenauer told of a language-learning mishap in Latin America. He was trying to be humble, and said, "Soy Embarassada." Which, to English speakers, sounds right! but in Spanish it means, "I'm pregnant." On a similar note, Karen Pedersen was passionate on the fact that Jesus isn't big on remodeling. What she actually said was that Jesus didn't come just to give us another hardware store. Of course, she meant Holiday. But in Ecuador, the words, ferreteria and feriado are painfully similar. Another misunderstanding with funny results happened when a youth group was cleaning up liter. Which went as you'd expect, until one girl (I'll call her "Megan.") was surprised when she found a quarter pound bag of-cough-Oregano. Cough cough. Bruce Dana, on a hot summer day in Idaho, rolled down his car windows. He parked the car, but left the winows down, because, the heat. When he got back, a kitten jumped out of the back seat, and clawed his shoulder! Dana's reaction? "I thought the devil had a hold on me."Yeah, mission work can be dangerous. I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks!
Joke's on Me
Like lots of classic jokes, that title has at least two meanings. The first, of course, means the joke is about me, and I admit it. But today, what I mean is a bunch of jokes I payed for. Or at least researched, so you don't have to. Really, just a grab-bag of laughs, from every different category (That I can think of.) If ou're a regular, you might have heard one before. But hopefully, you'll laugh anyay. And now, Ladies and gentlemen, let's get into it! So, one time, Sven and Olly were out fishing. Olly, at one point, pulls out a lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie! He wishes to catch a big fish, and this huge salmon jumps in the boat. Sven asks to try, and wishes for the best ever fihing pole. Suddenly, his cell phone rings. He answers to find it's a Nigerian prince. At which point Olly explains, "Sorry. English is his second language." I lost my job at the barbershop. They said I didn't make the cut. If your pants didn't have holes in strategic locations, you couldn't get your legs in. My Uncle was a decorated war hero, despite his disability. In WWII, he got drafted. It was only afterward that anyone diagnosed his dyslexia. But they needed every man so they consigned him to the mess hall. After Pearl Harbor, he recied a commendation. Apparently, he faced the bombing, all buns glazing. Seagulls fly over the Sea, becase if they flew over the Bay, they'd be Bagels. I'm thining of buying a Mercedes. But it doesn't have to be Ben's. There once was a chicken. He worked 9-5, like anybody else. He had a nice enough house, a decent car, but he was bored. Then, one day, the chicken crossed the road. Such a small thing. But he made history. I just finished my fourth year as a freshman, at U.C.L.A. I'm studying vetrinary science, because I just love children! They've had to prohinit dish soap in the Mediteranian. Apparently, some are a little too tough on Greece. My greatest achievement was savng the rain forest. Cafe logo to my desktop.
Great Humor
We all know of spiritual giants. And I talk a bit about funny mission stories. But I wondered, what would happen if I crossed the streams, so to speak? Because these heroes of the faith might have funny stories too, right? Which is why I researched those, so you don't have to. I'm gonna share amusing ways the Holy Spirit moves. And hopefully, a laugh or two. So, if that's something that you wanna do, let's get into it! I'm gonna start with the earliest story. Saint Lawrence lived in the third century, AD, and this is a little sad, but very funny. Born in Spain, he ministered to Italy, where the Romans were killing Christians. They captured and convicted him, condemning him to be burnt to death on a spit. But as they were killing him, his last words were, "Turn me over, I'm done on this side!*" A little grim, yeah. But he had such great faith, Lawrence knew that wasn't the end. There's also a story about Billy Graham.** Apparently, he was riding home from an event when he was 87, and asked the chauffer if he could drive the limo. The driver let him, and enjoying himself, he drove 70 mph. in a 55 zone. Right through a speed trap. He pulled over, and a state trooper walked up. But after rolling down his window, the trooper left to call his supervisor on the radio. "Sir, can we give exception to important people? I'm pretty sure it's Jesus in this limo, with Billy Graham as his driver. On that same note, Lottie Moon was a bit of a prankster.*** When in college, it seems, she snuck out at night with classmates to wrap the school's bell in a sheet, so it couldn't ring to wake girls for class. Later, still playful, she was met with skepticism in China, but decided to respond by baking cookies. She became known as "The cookie lady." And people would welcome her into their homes (For cookies.) Where she would talk about Jesus. D.L. Moody, for that matter, told a story about a man walking past shops at Christmas time.**** He saw three girls outside one window, and realized that two sisters who could see were describing the shop to one that was blind. It was tricky, and compared to showing her, took a lot of time. Moody would then explain, "That's just my position when I tell men about Christ."All his talking couldn't do anything. But if they brought themselves, willingly, Jesus could change their lives. And these are just a few for you. But they all carry an important truth: The more we wak with the Lord, the more we're filled by His joy, and that joy will encourage us, and also make it easier to do His work. I hope that blessed you. For a little more, check out voiceintha on blogspot, facebook, X, and instagram Thanks! *Catholic 365 **Timothy Burt ***Lorelee Siemens ****Bruce Hurt
Pulpit Problems
I talk a lot about Mission field mishaps. Because they're funny, and we could all use more joy. But stuff happens, even right here at home. And in light of that, I researched* a few, so that you'd get a laugh too. Some are embarassing, and some are endearing. But they're all uplifting! So, if that soumds good to you, let's get into it! Lavalier Mic Mishap** Back in the early 80’s was my 1st experience with a ‘lavalier’ mic! The choir sung and I got up to preach, but I was still getting over the stomach flu! I felt some moving so I called the choir back to sing and ran out as they sang, “Let the Lord have His Way.” I barely made out of the auditorium. Suddenly, my wife runs into the men’s restroom and said, ‘Your Mic Is Still On!’ Needless to say when I came back to the pulpit, we just dismissed!” – Robert The day Santa Died “I was on staff at a church where, one year, we held a special Christmas family service. We decided to have all of the children sit with their parents during the message. The service went well, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the drama, games, and Christmas music. Then, it came time for the sermon to begin. With a burst of enthusiasm, my pastor begin his message with the line: ‘I remember how old I was when I found out that Santa wasn’t real…’ He had forgotten the children were in service, and spilled the beans to everyone. I’ll be honest, it was just a little bit funny to see all of the parents lunge toward their children, covering their ears in a frenzy. For those who weren’t able to distract their little ones, the effects were instant. A few of the kids gazed at the stage in disbelief. Other turned to their parents in deep sadness. I always remember that service as one of the funniest church moments I’ve ever witnessed.” – Wade Righteous Re-write*** In his beautiful book, “I Shall Not Want,” Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, “The Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want.” She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard. Nervous Newby*** Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later one of the assistant ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in what was his first sermon to the congregation. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. He was notably very nervous and getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!” *Various sources **Ministry Pass dot com ***Inspire21
Occasionally Funny
Looking for a way to share jokes with folks, but not just lay a massive bundle in your hands, I came up with a plan. As people like when friends or family are funny, these are some jokes you can use, occasionally and conversationally. To make it easy, I researched some, so you don't have to. Of course, the situations are just suggestions. These are simply jokes you can use. And if you're ready to, then let's get into it! At the grocery checkout: Q-Why can't they take inventory in Afghanistan? A-Because of the tally ban. To your therapist: I love to tell dad jokes. And sometimes, he laughs. For that traffic cop: I had a bad experience with a speed bump. But I am getting over it, slowly. Dropping off your kids: Q-What'd the drummer name his twins? A-Anna 1, Anna 2. At the Gym: I don't believe anyone does yoga daily. I mean, that's a stretch. A teller at the bank: Apple pie costs $2.00 in the Bahamas, and $2.50 in Jamaica. Just the pie rates of the Carribean. For your boss: At a job interview, I was asked about the 4 year gap in my work history. I said, "That's when I went to Yale." When they hired me, I thanked them for the yob. To your Home Contractor: It's shocking how bad an electrician I am. The manager at the Gap: I combined all my wristwatches to make a belt. That was a complete waist of time. That conspiracy theorist at the deli: Q-Whats E.T. short for? A- He's got short legs. For your doctor: We shouldn't call childbirth delivery. Really, it's more take-out.
With the Guys
By that, I mean Boudraux and Thibideaux. We've aways had fun with them, so today, I've researched a few more stories, so you won't have to. I, for one, love hearing about the stuff they do. And if that sounds like fun to you, then buckle up, and let's get into it! Dat Boudraux, he's a hard worker. But he's bad with words, and stuggles to find work. His brother-in-law got him a job on a oil derrick, right afore hurricane season. Sure 'nough, a hurricane comes while he's out there, and two other guys were thrown off with him. Floating by the raft was a lamp, with a genie. The genie wanted back safe in the bottle, so he gave each guy one wish. The first guy said, "all I want is to go home." Poof! he was gone. The second guy said, "Yeah, me too!" Poof! he went too. Then Boudraux said, "I wish they was back here to help me wish for the right thing." Thibideaux died. And he got to them pearly gates yonder, when Saint Peter said, "Listen, man. Things aren't looking so good for ya, but if you can answer any of three questions right, I'll let you in." Thibideaux agreed,so Peter asked him, "What's the meaning of Christmas?" Thibidraux replied all about the stockings, and the tree, the games, and the party. So Peter said, "Not quite. how about Good Friday?" Aw, dat's easy! Thibideaux said. "We go fishing, and then fry up all the fish, and then there's food and drinking and dancing until sunrise!" Peter shook his head. "Sorry, man. Last chance. What's the meaning of Easter?" Thibideaux got real serious. "Now, dat one's important. Dat's when they crucified Jesus, and He came back, three days later. And He rolled dat stone, and we celebrate." At this, Peter sighed. "Okay, Thibideaux. Come on in." Oh yeah! Thibideaux said. "He moved da stone and come out da cave. But if He sees His shadow, it's six more weeks of winter." One time, dat Boudraux bought his wife, Clotile, a car. A fancy, Cadillac Jaguar S.E. And Clotilde, she loved it! took it all over the place, all day. Only trouble was, she tried to drive it at night, and it started, the engine came on, but it just wouldn't go. And she didn't know why. Boudraux, he was awful confused. After a week, they called Thibideaux, to see if he could fix it. He looked it over, scratched his chin, and asked if Clotilde was using the right gear. Of course I am! She insisted. I'm no dummy. During the day, I put the gearstick on D, and at night, I put it in N!
Ha Ha! To the Chief
It's Friday once again. Okay, maybe not as you're reading this. But on Friday, I post funny stuff, since we've all had a week, working hard to get here. And since I'm not a robot, I've been trying to find new ways to be funny. Today, that means presidential humor, which I've researched, as a gift to you. America has had a few jokers in that oval office. Also, when declaring war, humor eases the tension. So, if you'll all join me, please rise, and let's get into it! Thank you!Have a seat. First up, Ronald Regan told a story about a preacher and a politician, who both died on the same day. Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates to welcome them in, and said, "Let me show you where you'll be staying." He took them both, and brought them to a small white room, with one lamp, one chair, and a bed. He told the preacher this was his room. Nervous, thinking he'd get worse, the politician followed Peter, to a vast mansion, with sprawling grounds, and lots of servants. He told Peter, "This must be some mistake!" But Peter explained. "Preachers here are a dime a dozen. But you're the first politician we've had!" At one point, Jimmy Carter remarked in an interview how pleasently surprised he was at the increase in his overall popularity since winning the election. "These days, when people wave at me," He said, "They use all their fingers!" Later, at a press conference, John F. Kennedy was asked, "Mr. President, as a former member of the House of Representatives, how do you feel about the proposal to restrict the seats to 85?" At which, he took a moment, smiled, and said he thought the desicion should be left to the House. And finally, Bill Cinton once said how similar being president is to running a cemetery. You have lots of people under you, but nobodys listening. Well, that's all for now, folks! Come back next Friday, for more smiles
Classic Comedy
Hey there, folks! Are y'all doing okay? Nice, nice. Listen, we got a great show for ya, lotsa laughs. Let me introduce your host for tonight, Heinrich Ferguson! Good evening, good people. A funny thing happened on the way here. I met a three legged dog. Apparently, he was looking for the man who shot his paw. Off to stage left, a drummer with horned rim glasses makes a rim-shot. (Ba-bump-fssh.) Thanks , Harold. Yeah , so, apparently, one island nation has been trying to figure out how to ban sunrises. It would seem as if Greece is tough on dawn. At this, Harold smiles, and shakes his head. Okay, mister. I'm doing my best out here. You got any funnier material? Harold smiles again. Oh, man. You're fine. But now you mention it, I do have just one. *Sigh* All right, Harold. Let's hear it. Okay, Okay. My parents were shocked by my playing with electrical cords. After which, I got grounded. And these days, I conduct myself much better. Not bad, not bad. Did you folks like that? Yeah, we aim to please. Just like William Tell. If that reference went over your heads, I'd take another shot at it, but I'm fresh out of arrows. Heh, nice! (Ba-bum-fssh!) Thanks again, Harold. Well, folks, it's getting late, but I got one more for ya. A Baptist, a Pentecostal, and a Catholic all died at the same time. They got to the pearly gates, and Peter showed them each to their areas. The Baptist got led to a buffet, full of fried chicken and casseroles. The Pentecostal found his friends in a Grammar and Semantics seminar. And lastly, the Catholic was led to a group doing Jazzercize, accompanied by bells. Well, that's all the time we have. You folks were great. Be sure and tip your server, and come back real soon. Gnight!