Dad Joke Delivery Room

-When I die, I'd like to be cremated. It's my best chance at having a smoking hot body.

-Sprinters don't eat before races. 'Cause they fast.

-My co-workers are like Christmas lights. The half that actually work aren't that bright.

-Birds of a feather stick together. Particularly, vel-crows

-Two fish were in a tank. The first asked the second, "How do you drive this thing?"

-There's a pile of hay in church. It's just Christian Bale.

-So, I sent my hearing aids out for repairs three weeks ago. But I haven't heard anything since.

-This girl at the club said she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 3 miles in under 4 minutes.

-Have you seen my rotary shovel? It's so revolutionary, it's groundbreaking.

-I tell everyone about the perks of dried grapes. Because I'm raisin awareness.

-My friend is allergic to seafood. Oysters kill Patrick.

-I just got a title published! How to Fall Down Stairs, Step by Step.

-My ex accused me of being lazy. But I never did anything!

-They say yoga is good for depression. But it seems like a stretch.

-I knew a guy who had schizoprenia. But he's good people.

-I don't think I'll ever donate organs. It takes guts.

-I asked my friend in North Kora how things were going. He said he couldn't complain.

-They've been couting everything in Afganastan since they got rid of the tally-ban.

-I'm deathly afraid of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

-At an interview, I told them about my Yale experience. When they hired me, I thanked them for the yob.

-I don't know why they give me electrical work, and then get shocked at the results.

-Someone asked me for a book mark. I said, I have several, but my name's Tim.