All-Division Dad Jokes

I was gonna tell a time travel joke. But nobody liked it.

My grandad survived mustard gas and pepper spray. A truly seasoned veteran.

When the frog parked illegaly, he was immediatly toad.

There's no I in denial.

I failed school so many times, I can't even count.

So, whenever I order a large fry, they just give me hundreds of tiny ones.

If you build a man a fire, he'll be warm for an hour. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

I can't decide if I like rocking chairs. I keep going back and forth on them.

Being a vegan is too much work. Ever tried milking an Almond?

Dogs can't figure out M.R.I. machines. But cats can.

Every national anthem is technically country music.

Did I make a joke about deja-vu?

Every time Batman gets hurt, he becomes bruised Wayne.

I drove my Subaru past this girl, trying to Impreza.

Don't tell me you haven't heard the one about gaslighting.

We should have known communism was a bad idea. So many red flags.

I wanna die peaceflly in my sleep, like Harold. Not screaming, like his passengers.

I own the worst theasaurus. It's not just awful, it's awful.

You shouldn't wear glasses for hockey. It's a contact sport.

The furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.

I heard there was a kidnapping at the local elementary. But it's fine, he woke up.

Whoever stole Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

Am I too controlling? I haven't decided.